Being recently single again hasn't provided that renewed sense of freedom that so many purport to gain in similar circumstances. It doesn't help that I am still living with the poor sap out of shear necessity until I can transfer my job to a place closer to where I will be living with my parents. Things have been strained and I am still holding out hope that he will see the error of his ways, but at this stage, with all the half-truths and double-speak I have been told about the impetus for the split, I would be hard pressed to take him back if he did.
But, I promised myself that this blog would not devolve into a self-pity party the way my LiveJournal did. It is important to be honest with myself and masturbatory posts extolling my sorrow over trivial, and indeed temporary, events hardly counted to sharing the truth with the most important person, me. Life has funny ways of showing what is really important to a person, and I think that open honesty, contrary to appearances, can be "frick'n hilarious."
A friend that I encountered recently told me that I should look to God in this time of need; he has always been the religious sort, but not in the way that would stop him from drinking to excess in the basement of an Ann Arbor nightclub. No, as with other issues, I find that my lack of a belief in God has allowed me to place the blame for my troubles squarely on mortal shoulders, my own. I think that atheism is the ultimate self-help tool. It stipulates that if you have a problem, you're the one that it falls on to fix it, not some bearded patriarch in the sky. Atheism is more than just a lack of belief in a god or gods, it is a way of framing all of your experiences that refuses to included supernatural causes for your problems. I am comforted by the idea that I am the one that has the control over my own life and my eventual end.
As the red beans cook away and I sit here typing, trying to write something that translates my mental notes into a palatable format, I wonder how I will move on from recent event in a way that will focus on personal responsibility and honesty with myself. At Necto last week I had [more than] a few drinks and lamented to an old acquaintance about how I don't understand why I THINK men don't find me attractive, I mean consider myself attractive with pleasant features and a body that I have honed. It didn't dawn on me then that it wasn't my physical features that were turning people off, it was my demeanor; they could tell that I wasn't being open to myself. Not that I was looking for anything that night, but even a passing nod or a stray glance from someone does feel nice.
What feels nicer is the ability to recognize fault with in oneself and correct it. The satisfaction that comes from that is second to none. I know that I will move on from the break up, but it will hurt a lot on the way; how will I know what relief feels like if I don't feel the pain first? I'll be fine, I always have. I think that is my finest quality, the ability to pick myself up, dust myself off and get going again.
The red beans are done and will make a nice end to this Monday.
I became a fervent Atheist about two years ago. It's the only rational minded way to live life in all honesty.
Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Ayan Hirsi Ali are some terrific authors to follow up on in respect to Atheism if you haven't read any of them yet. :)
I have looked into Hitchens and Dawkins, but I found them to be a little militant or confrontational about religion. I guess I have never been that sort of person, and to me if someone wants to live a religious life that is fine, as long as they don't push it on me or my [future] children.
I too have labeled myself an atheist for about two years, but I have had leanings for as long as I can remember. After flitting around to progressively more liberal and metaphysical religions I finally bit the bullet and called myself an atheist.